The lack of money is the root of all evil. - Mark Twain

Another Wave Comes, Another Wave Goes

Spend a day at the beach watching the ocean. Settle in with a big umbrella and a tall cool drink. Pay attention to the ocean. What do you see? Waves ... and tides. The level of the water goes up as a wave crests, and down as the wave recedes. Some waves are bigger, some come a little slower, but they all form a repeating pattern. Now add the tides, and you see the waves as small oscillations superimposed on bigger slower repeating patterns. It's all fairly predictable.

Now, imagine that time slows w-a-y d-o-w-n... You see the water rising. It just keeps coming. Will it ever stop? Will I drown? Then, at the last moment, the water recedes. Phew, relief. Oh No, all the water is going away! The fish will die. I'll have no food, no ocean, no pretty beach, I'm losing everything!

After a relaxing day at the beach, let's talk economics. Because the repeating patterns of economic cycles have periods of years and decades, it is oh so easy to forget that prosperity and confidence - personal, corporate, and national - rise and fall like waves and tides. Great times never last, and hard times never last.

But suppose that this wave isn't just part of a cycle? Suppose that this wave is the tsunami? Maybe, but the odds of an economic tsunami are like the odds of rattlesnake bite in Manhattan. Sure it could happen, but...

What do you do when the tide goes out? You get a whiff of that "low tide smell" and you get to wander the seabed harvesting some tasty shellfish from under the sand. You know that the water will return, so you relax and enjoy your day.

Economic prosperity WILL return as surely as the waves and tides. Only the exact timing is uncertain. Nationally, this is a time to spend lavishly creating jobs and restoring personal and business confidence. Spending now does NOT mean we should or will spend when the tide is high. Government spending and taxation also run in long term cycles, hopefully in cycles that mitigate the economic cycles rather that amplifying them.

Personally, this is a time to gather the fruits of the sea that are only available when the tide is out. And, as always, this is a time to relax and enjoy life.

Six Ways to End Bickering About Money

One of the most common causes of arguments between couples is disagreements over money, mostly about how it should be spent, or not spent. Arguments over money generally fall into two general areas, differences in fundamental attitudes, and bickering over day to day details.

Sometimes the biggest arguments occur over the smallest issues - a $4 latte or whether store coupons are worth the effort. Bickering over the details can be virtually eliminated by agreeing on some budgeting guidelines and responsibilities in advance. The challenge to establishing such a framework is that the conversation about setting the rules is likely to trigger argument about fundamental attitudes toward money. This is not all bad, however, in that the sooner underlying beliefs are revealed and discussed, the sooner real progress can be made toward understanding and acceptance.

To eliminate arguing over details:

1. Set up a monthly discretionary budget for each spouse which includes all personal expenses including individual meals and snacks, clothes, personal grooming, hobbies, and gifts. Agree that the other partner will have no cause to question purchases made with this money.

2. Choose one spouse to be responsible for each area of purchasing. For example, have one person do all the grocery shopping. Try reversing roles occasionally. Usually, it reduces friction to assign a duty to the spouse with the stronger beliefs about that area of finances. If someone is committed to coupon clipping, let them do the grocery shopping.

3. Whenever you find yourself having an argument about money, write down the specific issue, seek to understand the underlying disagreement in overall beliefs about money, and schedule a conversation to discuss that broad area. For example, if you find that you are arguing over whether to take out a home equity line of credit to remodel your kitchen, the fundamental beliefs at stake might include each spouse's attitude toward debt, beliefs about the home as an investment, levels of confidence in future income generation, degrees of risk aversion, and the fraction of available resources each spouse is willing to direct toward the home. While a discussion of whether to remodel the kitchen might become contentious and never reach resolution, each of the fundamental belief areas, taken separately, could be the subject of its own focused and less contentious conversation that is much more likely to reach mutual understanding and agreement or compromise.

To control arguing over fundamental attitudes toward money:

1. Establish a budget. For some couples, a very detailed and strict budget with many categories works best. For others, general guidelines with frequent special circumstances work better. Begin your discussion of creating a budget by agreeing on how flexible you choose for your budget to be. Then work on the categories and the monthly amounts.

2. Seek to understand your key beliefs about money, especially in those areas in which you hold differing beliefs. In such a discussion, attempt to focus on stating your own beliefs clearly and on understanding your partner's beliefs. Avoid saying anything negative about your partner's beliefs until you have written down a statement of both spouses' points of view. Then continue to refrain from being negative or argumentative.

3. Seek ways to honor your partner's beliefs without abandoning your own. If one of you believes, "If we've got the money, we should spend it," and the other cautions, "We need to put aside a large fund for a rainy day," it is going to take considerable restraint to avoid frequent conflict. In a situation such as that, your only hope for success lies in reaching a compromise at the fundamental level, and then considering each detail decision only in the light of the overall compromise agreement. For example, you believe you should save 10% of your income, your spouse believes in credit card debt, and you have reached a compromise agreement to neither save nor borrow. Now the question arises whether you can afford a vacation. To be true to your high-level compromise and to avoid argument, you must both consider the vacation question only in the context of the compromise budget, and not allow your feelings toward that budget to weigh in.

Especially if you have fundamentally differing views toward money, focus on your love for each other and on your desire to honor your partner whenever you feel your temper begin to rise. Look at the big picture, and ask whether this issue is simply a detail of a larger difference in attitude toward money, and whether that larger difference is amenable to compromise.

The Silver Lining of Losing Your Job

Could there be a silver lining to the crisis of losing your job? Actually there are several.

Understand that being downsized, cut back, or just plain fired isn't likely to make you feel good. It creates fear - How will I pay the bills? How long will it take to find another job that pays as well? What about medical insurance? Depending on your previous level of self worth, losing your job can be a glancing blow to your self esteem or it can be emotionally devastating. Even if your family and friends are supportive, job loss strains family ties, and if you have a marriage or a relationship with a relative that is on the brink, being out of work can snap the connection.

In the moment, job loss generates feelings that range from someone having thrown a brick at you to perhaps having had a whole building fall on you. But how will the experience appear when you look back on it ten years from now? Remember how you felt when your first love ended? From the perspective of years later, you are probably either greatly relieved you aren't married to that person, or you look back upon what was then a major catastrophe as a minor setback. Remember the day your lemonade stand didn't have any customers? Recall the season you dropped what would have been the winning touchdown pass? Everything looks different as it recedes into our history.

Take a deep breath and imagine yourself ten years from now looking back at the time you got laid off. Visualize how you want your life to be then - your career - your income - your home - how you spend your time - how you interact with your friends and family - your self confidence and self esteem. Perhaps your visualization includes holding a salaried job, but you may dream of being self employed - owning your own company, being an artisan, or a consultant.

No one chooses to lose their job - we describe it differently when it's our choice. But if you have become unemployed against your will, take this opportunity to design your future:

1. Consider becoming self employed, or a consultant, or starting your own business.

2. Evaluate your hobbies and interests as potential income producing activities. If you love woodworking, think about becoming a custom cabinet maker. If you have a musical, artistic, or literary talent, consider turning professional or teaching your skill.

3. If you aren't sure that you want a career change, go ahead and send out resumes and ask everyone you know about finding a new job. Then, while you are waiting for responses, test out other directions. Pursue marketing your skill in those areas that truly interest you. Whether you have always wanted to start an on-line storefront, teach trumpet, or become a personal shopper, give it a try. By the time you get a job offer in your previous field, you may be relieved to go back, or you may have found confidence in your new career direction.

4. Volunteer your time. You'll feel better about yourself. It will improve your self esteem. You will meet interesting people and perhaps find a job through the networking opportunity. You can try out new skills and interests that have the potential to become full time income producing opportunities.

5. Use the time between jobs to enhance your outlook on life. While seminars and even books may not be in your budget at this time, there are vast on-line resources, as well as public libraries, to support your personal growth - enhance your self-esteem, find greater happiness, break addictive habits, manage stress, increase your physical and emotional wellness.

6. Begin healthful practices. Take a daily walk - preferably an early morning walk in complete silence. Learn Yoga, Qigong, or another discipline that quiets the mind and increases wellness through breathing, gentle stretching, and focus - adopt whichever one you choose as a daily practice. Use the forced change to improve your habits - stop smoking and reduce alcohol, rather than letting your cravings take advantage of you at this vulnerable time.

7. Spend time with your loved ones. A stressful job often leaves little time or emotional energy for friends and family. Commit to spending more time and higher quality time with your loved ones. If you feel depressed, consciously form a smile on your face and act upbeat until the happy feeling becomes genuine. Support your loved ones and gratefully accept their support.

8. Know you are never alone. Whatever your spiritual beliefs and practices, turn to them in this time of challenge, and know that goodness always pours forth - in its own time and manner. Have patience, and faith in your future.

Meddling - 5 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Offering Helpful Advice

Meddling - 5 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Offering Helpful Advice
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Again, I found myself meddling in the affairs of others. All too often my intention to be supportive and generous runs amok. In the aftermath, I tell myself that I will never do that again, but I do. Actually, I wouldn't want it any other way. The line between "helpful" and meddling is so easy to cross. The only way that I could ensure that I never meddled would be to completely disavow being helpful.

Byron Katie speaks of "my business, your business, and God's business." Everything that happens in the world, or doesn't happen, is NOT my responsibility. There are more than enough things that are my responsibility. I am responsible for my thoughts, my beliefs, and my actions - and that is enough. It does not serve me to mind anyone else's business. I can only make myself unhappy by trying to second guess what anyone else thinks or does.

That's all easy enough to say in the abstract, but when the other person is our friend, spouse, parent, adult son or daughter, or co-worker, it doesn't come at all naturally to remain detached. For many of us, staying in our own business requires a lifetime of self-reminders.

Often we meddle out of a sincere desire to help another, so how can we know when we have gone too far? We have overstepped our bounds whenever we cross the line from assisting others in getting what they want to believing that we know better than they what they SHOULD want.

Through painful experience, I have found five questions to ask myself to help determine whether I am providing assistance or meddling.

1. Did the other person ask for help, advice, or opinion? If the answer is No, then I am meddling. The first and greatest rule is,

Unsolicited Advice Is Always Meddling

2. Even if the person has broadcast a request for help or advice, did they ask for MY advice? When someone is drowning, they will accept a life-ring thrown by a stranger, but advice is only appreciated if the asker fully trusts and respects the advisor.

3. Do I fully respect the other person? While I can responsibly make decisions for a child or a senile person, it is pure meddling for me to believe that I know better than another competent adult how they should live their life. As an example, trying to find friends for someone who has clearly expressed a preference for solitude is meddling.

4. Is the issue a question of belief? Proselytizing is always meddling. My beliefs about religion, politics, the best natural supplements, or whatever, are just my personal beliefs, nothing more. If someone ASKS, I am happy to share about what gives my own life joy and meaning, but whenever I attempt to convert someone else's beliefs, I must be very clear that I am doing it for my own gains, and not as a service to the other.

5. Have I previously attempted to assist this person with this same issue in the past? If I have been asked again, and if I find a different way to be helpful, it's not meddling, but if I continually offer the same advice for the same problem, it crosses the line into meddling.

Compassion and generosity may well be the greatest human virtues, but it is also important to avoid letting these noble instincts cause inadvertent harm to those we want to help.

Who Leads the Happier life, the Cynic or the Believer? A Look at Both Perspectives

Who Leads the Happier life, the Cynic or the Believer? A Look at Both Perspectives
- jonathan lockwood huie

First, let's define both "Cynic" and "Believer," as both words are more likely to provoke emotional reaction than thoughtful analysis.

When I use the term Cynic, I simply mean someone who holds the opinion that people are motivated wholly by self-interest. Do not confuse the factual definition of Cynic with the ill-spirited description, "a sneering and sarcastic faultfinding critic."

By Believer, I mean someone who has religious faith, and more particularly someone who believes that the nature of God is to watch over their well-being, and that "good" will triumph over "evil" in the end.

The Believer begins the race with a big head start toward happiness. The world is good - someone kindly and supremely powerful is looking out for their best interests. Surely there is no cause for worry or fear. It is easy to be an optimist when one can depend upon a great and benevolent celestial parent.

The Cynic knows that all creatures - human and other animals - are driven solely by their own desires to maximize pleasure and minimize pain. Compassionate and other cooperative behaviors create their own reward. Cooperation increases the probability for survival and reproduction, so that instinct has been strengthened through evolution. Most people upon seeing an injured person by the roadside would experience pleasure in aiding that person, but experience pain in leaving that person to die. It's not noble, it's an evolved instinct - a very useful instinct that helps ensure the continuation of the human race.

Now consider what happens when life fails to meet our expectations.

The Believer is shocked. How could God let this terrible thing happen. Bad things aren't supposed to happen to good people. Disappointment and confusion reign. Did I do something to displease God? Is God perhaps not totally kind and benevolent? Is God not omnipotent? Perhaps this is just my trial by fire - the test of my faith. Surely I will find my reward in the next life.

If the Believer can regain their faith in the benevolence and omnipotence of their Celestial Father, happiness is certainly possible. Given an unwavering faith, one can withstand any circumstance with serenity. However, for those who begin to ask, "Why me, God?" great emotional suffering lies ahead.

The Cynic already knows that unexpected events occur often. People die or become crippled more often than they win the lottery. Life just happens. For the Cynic, the path to happiness lies in making a conscious choice for happiness, even in the face of whatever circumstances life throws in their path.

So who is happier?

Perhaps happiest is the Believer who can hold unswerving faith in the face of all the obvious realities in this world that contradict that faith. A childlike trust in the power of ultimate goodness can create miracles of happiness.

However, happiness is easiest for the Cynic, because there are no contradictions in his or her world. The Cynic understands that if there is to be happiness, it must be self-generated, and the Cynic accepts that responsibility willingly.

The brunt of the world's emotional suffering is born by those who label themselves Believers, but whose faith cannot survive the test of reality, and who succumb to the cry, "It's just not fair. Why me God, why me?"

The "Spousal We" and 6 Other Ways to Leave Your Lover

The "Spousal We" and 6 Other Ways to Leave Your Lover
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

You really want to end your relationship, but you don't have the courage to say so directly. What to do? Here is a tongue-in-cheek list of ways to force your partner to make the break first.

1. Use the "Spousal We": "We need to remember to take out the garbage." "Didn't we make a fool of ourself at the party last night." Deft use of the "spousal we" can be like the final twist on a death jab. The other items on this list are like sharp knives, but the "spousal we" really finishes the job with a flourish.

2. Use guilt: Be clear that "guilt" is a verb. It is a weapon that can be used very effectively on your partner. Make sure that they always know how "wrong" they are, and how "unfair" their every action is. Their very existence is wrong and unfair.

3. Use sarcasm: Sarcasm works so well it's almost unfair - sort of like a cluster bomb. "Well, I see we are still watching TV." Triple whammy - guilt, sarcasm, and the spousal we. Great work.

4. Make an endless "honey do" list: It is important to emphasize how "fair" you are being. List everything you contribute to the relationship - pad the list as much as you can. Then just ask your other to do "one little thing." Make sure that it's not a one time task that can be accomplished and forgotten. No - the "one little thing" must be something that needs to be done frequently, so you can nag just as frequently. "We need to remember to..." should become your favorite phrase. Next week - or tomorrow - add another "one little thing" to the list. Never ever let anything be finished and taken off the list.

5. Act jealous: When you take on acting jealous, it is important to become very angry. This isn't teasing or flirting, this is irrational anger. Make sure that you express your anger randomly. Just pick some very ordinary person in some very ordinary situation as the catalyst, and then let your rage fly at your other. Say you just came out of a restaurant, and you are driving home. "Weren't we just something in there. I saw how you looked at that waitress/waiter. You practically had them undressed with your eyes. I was SO embarrassed. You should be SO ashamed. ..." You get the idea. REALLY lay it out. Your partner is just despicable. Make sure they get the message.

6. Have concealed expectations: If this sounds like concealed weapons, you got the idea, because expectations are powerful weapons in the relationship battle. It's important never to let your other know how they "should" behave until after the fact. Then you can say "we should have known that I only like pink roses." "How could we not come home early on a day I'm feeling depressed?" "It's my birthday, and we get me socks?"

7. Go shopping: This one is a double barreled shotgun. You get to aggravate your partner into leaving, and you get some stuff to take with you. You could just run up the credit card yourself, but you can punish your partner even better by "guilting" them into doing the buying - and than you can criticize them for spending too much - without offering to take back what they bought you, of course.

Congratulations. You will be living alone in no time.

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Now that you know how to lead an unhappy life, read How To Be Happy - 7 Secrets for a Happy Life.

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